I live, I die, I live again.
I am trying a new thing. The old thing (effectively this blog up until now) was not really working. It was getting out of hand, particularly with the Eye Candy series and the endless fiddling that that entailed. It was becoming yet another of my secret, private projects, elaborate, highly engrossing, and shared with absolutely no-one.
My new thing is elaborate, highly engrossing, and shared with anyone who wants to buy it. I'm writing ebooks with a view to getting them distributed to loads of places where people can read and pay money for them.
I'm not aiming to make mega-bucks, but the money thing is important for me. This is not another of my pet projects that ultimately goes nowhere. This is all above board. Furiosa knows, and is supportive, although she doesn't actually want to read any of it. Too weird, and I agree.
This is a legitimate repository for all the kinky things that go on inside my head. The things go on, it's impossible to stop them going on. This is a way I can do something with them that doesn't end up going nowhere.
It's exciting. I've written two chapters of my first trilogy already. I've got a second trilogy mostly planned, plus a third idea that I tried to write about before but purged in a fit of self-recrimination. I've also got ideas for a side-line in single-player creative writing role-playing game systems, because that's something I'm really good at making, and nobody seems to be doing that on the internet yet.
My new hobby is taking over this blog, for promotional stuff, chapter samples, updates and links. Don't worry, I'll still write posts about my personal quest for submissive self-acceptance. It's still going to be part of this blog because it's still part of me, and exploring it will fuel my writing the very activity exorcises my demons. Cases in point: my first trilogy is about work, and my second will be about my first fiancée.
Stay tuned.
LMW
Showing posts with label projects. Show all posts
Showing posts with label projects. Show all posts
Thursday, 18 February 2016
Tuesday, 3 November 2015
I aten't dead (Old Blog)
I'm still here, but it's complicated... Here's a quick roundup of what's new with me:
I have beta-blockers. They're not magic, but they help my body to stop giving a shit about all the adrenaline it seems to produce. Trouble is, while they remove the physical symptoms of my anxiety, I'm still left with what's in my head, and also a complete lack of motivation to do very much at all. If I was going to get all bad teenage poetry about it, it's like there's a space in me for my aspirations, hopes, dreams and desire, but I fill it with anxiety, and when the anxiety is taken away, the void remains. Which brings me to my next thing:
I don't know what I want to do. That's not a function of having too many conflicting choices, it's simply that I am really very bad at knowing what I would like to have and what I would like to do.
And that's pretty chilling. When I'm anxious I can get a few things done around the house. When I'm at work, if I can hit the sweet spot between fired up and burnt out, I stand a chance of getting something done. Take my anxiety away, and I'm not sure I'm really a person any more. It's weird.
I have a therapist. He's a man. I chose a man on purpose, not because I don't like talking to women. I love women. See here. Trouble is, I find it quite difficult not to fancy them, and very difficult not to include them in some kind of fantasy. If I'm spending regular time with them alone and they're wearing shoes, it's highly likely that something will develop. If I'm talking about my Cinderella thing and my sissy maid thing, it's almost inevitable. I chose a man for my therapist so this would never happen.
He's also very good. During the first session he poked a couple of things that were pretty raw, leading me to the following conclusion:
I'm trying to defeat my father by channeling my mother, and neither of these things is good. In subsequent sessions he's raised the idea that my mother might be partly responsible for the state that I'm in, which is an idea that I am highly resistant to. The height of my resistance is probably very telling. I see him every Monday. He's very good.
Not being at work for 3 weeks was good, but again, it wasn't magic. I had surmised that without the work stress to deal with, I wouldn't turn to my fantasy creations for solace and soothing. Alas, I had time on my hands, so I ended up making an interactive Powerpoint thing. It has a Cinderella theme:
You get a picture of some ladies in nice dresses (nicked shamelessly from some Russian bloke on Flickr) and you click through a little scene involving domination, humiliation and cruelty that casts the viewpoint character as Cinderella, serving at the Royal Ball rather than attending as a guest. Half the slides have a random element, and the other half feature a Fairy Godmother character to whom you can appeal for help. Naturally, the help that is given is often counterproductive, and she actually joins in most of the time with the barbed remarks and the enjoyment of Cinderella's suffering. The first picture is what it looks like to play, and this is the bit where we're being offered a choice of magical help. You click one of the buttons on the right and you head off down that path. The second picture is what it look like behind the scenes, with the script in the slide notes. Behind that is some VBA that reads the script, displays the right text, shows the right buttons and moves you on to a random next slide when you're done. Towards the bottom of the second picture you can see what happens when you kiss or don't kiss the ring. TL;DR: If you kiss it, you become sexually aroused whenever you're within 20 feet of the ladies in the picture (but stray too far and you get period pains (my head is weird)). If you don't kiss it, there's some nipple twisting to be suffered.
It took a couple of late nights to get the slide templates and the VBA done, and then a couple of days to get the pictures and the scripts written. Suffice to say that I can make Powerpoint do pretty much anything. It's weird. It's enjoyable. It eats my time and robs me of sleep, but, like this blog post, I can't seem to go to be until it's finished. My behaviours, here they are.
But yes, even without the need to self-soothe after a day at work, I found myself making the Cinderella-themed interactive Powerpoint. So it's not just self-soothing. It could be more of a hobby, and that's a worrying thing. I'd like to have a normal hobby, something that I can admit to doing. Something that doesn't have to wait until my family members have gone to bed, and something that I can be enthusiastic about with other people.
But that's the thing. I don't know what that hobby could be, because I don't know what I want to do. And then my therapist suggests that I could find some way to do this sort of thing for a living. I was talking about the whole thing with captions, about which I've posted before, and it's pretty obvious that my output is very well-received in the various communities to which I've posted it. My therapist was interested in my enthusiasm for it, and also how I manage to express power and dominance with only a few words of text, how I give various different voices to the women in the pictures that I use, ranging from soft and teasing to full-on totalitarian bitch-queen. I can do things with words, and I appear to be able to write reasonably well. Could I, perhaps, be able to put something together, get published under a pseudonym and actually make money out of my fevered imagination?
It sounds very tempting, but also highly risky, and not something I could give the day job up for. I need to keep the job that I can explain to my mother. Also, I've never finished anything long. I rarely finish a Powerpoint thing, as I always find more pictures to add, more choices to script, &c. &c. The only thing I appear to be able to finish is a run of 6 captioned images, and even then it takes up more of my time than I'd like. Perfectionism is a curse.
Also, there's the issue of how I'd monetise something that's as inherently personal and idiosyncratic as a Cinderella-themed interactive Powerpoint fantasy. Captions are infinitely-more-than-ten-a-penny, there are hundreds of free webteases on Milovana, the community around SexScripts is very much open and free, and more often than not I'm stealing pictures from Flickr to use in my projects, so I'd be in serious trouble if I tried to charge any money for them. There's ways to get supported by Patreon and donations, but there's no way I can generate enough output to get more than £2.50 every decade by that method.
Can you tell I'm trying to talk myself out of it?
It's November, of course, so there's NaNoWriMo going on, which could have been my way into the wonderful world of dodgy paperbacks, but something else has got in the way:
I've gone back to work. I went back yesterday for meetings and got back in the classroom today. Everyone's being very supportive, and it feels good to be out of the house and doing things again, but my anxiety levels are through the roof, even with my medication. I can't imagine what I'd be like without the beta-blockers. It's exhausting, but I'm doing it. It'll get better once I've sorted out everything from the 4 weeks that I've missed. If anything, I've demonstrated to my employers just how much stuff I've been doing for them for free, and just how time-consuming and frustrating it all is to do it without proper support.
And the small boy is being weird, because both his parents have gone weird, and he's been disrupted by half-term, and the clocks went back, and his sleep patterns went weird, and he's got some sort of chesty cough / cold thing that knocked him out for a couple of days, which is not what either of his parents need when we have our own stuff to deal with, and Furiosa appears to be more or less falling apart, which is affecting me and affecting the small boy, who is acting up and ruining everyone's sleep patterns and causing everyone to fall apart. And now I've gone back to work. And now it's approaching midnight on a school-night and this was supposed to be a quick round-up, but I got sidetracked by my Powerpoint...
I think I've created a properly messed-up tesseract of life-work-fantasy-addiction-computing-habits-blogging-family. Thank the Lord I have a therapist...
ȹ
I have beta-blockers. They're not magic, but they help my body to stop giving a shit about all the adrenaline it seems to produce. Trouble is, while they remove the physical symptoms of my anxiety, I'm still left with what's in my head, and also a complete lack of motivation to do very much at all. If I was going to get all bad teenage poetry about it, it's like there's a space in me for my aspirations, hopes, dreams and desire, but I fill it with anxiety, and when the anxiety is taken away, the void remains. Which brings me to my next thing:
I don't know what I want to do. That's not a function of having too many conflicting choices, it's simply that I am really very bad at knowing what I would like to have and what I would like to do.
And that's pretty chilling. When I'm anxious I can get a few things done around the house. When I'm at work, if I can hit the sweet spot between fired up and burnt out, I stand a chance of getting something done. Take my anxiety away, and I'm not sure I'm really a person any more. It's weird.
I have a therapist. He's a man. I chose a man on purpose, not because I don't like talking to women. I love women. See here. Trouble is, I find it quite difficult not to fancy them, and very difficult not to include them in some kind of fantasy. If I'm spending regular time with them alone and they're wearing shoes, it's highly likely that something will develop. If I'm talking about my Cinderella thing and my sissy maid thing, it's almost inevitable. I chose a man for my therapist so this would never happen.
He's also very good. During the first session he poked a couple of things that were pretty raw, leading me to the following conclusion:
I'm trying to defeat my father by channeling my mother, and neither of these things is good. In subsequent sessions he's raised the idea that my mother might be partly responsible for the state that I'm in, which is an idea that I am highly resistant to. The height of my resistance is probably very telling. I see him every Monday. He's very good.
Not being at work for 3 weeks was good, but again, it wasn't magic. I had surmised that without the work stress to deal with, I wouldn't turn to my fantasy creations for solace and soothing. Alas, I had time on my hands, so I ended up making an interactive Powerpoint thing. It has a Cinderella theme:
You get a picture of some ladies in nice dresses (nicked shamelessly from some Russian bloke on Flickr) and you click through a little scene involving domination, humiliation and cruelty that casts the viewpoint character as Cinderella, serving at the Royal Ball rather than attending as a guest. Half the slides have a random element, and the other half feature a Fairy Godmother character to whom you can appeal for help. Naturally, the help that is given is often counterproductive, and she actually joins in most of the time with the barbed remarks and the enjoyment of Cinderella's suffering. The first picture is what it looks like to play, and this is the bit where we're being offered a choice of magical help. You click one of the buttons on the right and you head off down that path. The second picture is what it look like behind the scenes, with the script in the slide notes. Behind that is some VBA that reads the script, displays the right text, shows the right buttons and moves you on to a random next slide when you're done. Towards the bottom of the second picture you can see what happens when you kiss or don't kiss the ring. TL;DR: If you kiss it, you become sexually aroused whenever you're within 20 feet of the ladies in the picture (but stray too far and you get period pains (my head is weird)). If you don't kiss it, there's some nipple twisting to be suffered.
It took a couple of late nights to get the slide templates and the VBA done, and then a couple of days to get the pictures and the scripts written. Suffice to say that I can make Powerpoint do pretty much anything. It's weird. It's enjoyable. It eats my time and robs me of sleep, but, like this blog post, I can't seem to go to be until it's finished. My behaviours, here they are.
But yes, even without the need to self-soothe after a day at work, I found myself making the Cinderella-themed interactive Powerpoint. So it's not just self-soothing. It could be more of a hobby, and that's a worrying thing. I'd like to have a normal hobby, something that I can admit to doing. Something that doesn't have to wait until my family members have gone to bed, and something that I can be enthusiastic about with other people.
But that's the thing. I don't know what that hobby could be, because I don't know what I want to do. And then my therapist suggests that I could find some way to do this sort of thing for a living. I was talking about the whole thing with captions, about which I've posted before, and it's pretty obvious that my output is very well-received in the various communities to which I've posted it. My therapist was interested in my enthusiasm for it, and also how I manage to express power and dominance with only a few words of text, how I give various different voices to the women in the pictures that I use, ranging from soft and teasing to full-on totalitarian bitch-queen. I can do things with words, and I appear to be able to write reasonably well. Could I, perhaps, be able to put something together, get published under a pseudonym and actually make money out of my fevered imagination?
It sounds very tempting, but also highly risky, and not something I could give the day job up for. I need to keep the job that I can explain to my mother. Also, I've never finished anything long. I rarely finish a Powerpoint thing, as I always find more pictures to add, more choices to script, &c. &c. The only thing I appear to be able to finish is a run of 6 captioned images, and even then it takes up more of my time than I'd like. Perfectionism is a curse.
Also, there's the issue of how I'd monetise something that's as inherently personal and idiosyncratic as a Cinderella-themed interactive Powerpoint fantasy. Captions are infinitely-more-than-ten-a-penny, there are hundreds of free webteases on Milovana, the community around SexScripts is very much open and free, and more often than not I'm stealing pictures from Flickr to use in my projects, so I'd be in serious trouble if I tried to charge any money for them. There's ways to get supported by Patreon and donations, but there's no way I can generate enough output to get more than £2.50 every decade by that method.
Can you tell I'm trying to talk myself out of it?
It's November, of course, so there's NaNoWriMo going on, which could have been my way into the wonderful world of dodgy paperbacks, but something else has got in the way:
I've gone back to work. I went back yesterday for meetings and got back in the classroom today. Everyone's being very supportive, and it feels good to be out of the house and doing things again, but my anxiety levels are through the roof, even with my medication. I can't imagine what I'd be like without the beta-blockers. It's exhausting, but I'm doing it. It'll get better once I've sorted out everything from the 4 weeks that I've missed. If anything, I've demonstrated to my employers just how much stuff I've been doing for them for free, and just how time-consuming and frustrating it all is to do it without proper support.
And the small boy is being weird, because both his parents have gone weird, and he's been disrupted by half-term, and the clocks went back, and his sleep patterns went weird, and he's got some sort of chesty cough / cold thing that knocked him out for a couple of days, which is not what either of his parents need when we have our own stuff to deal with, and Furiosa appears to be more or less falling apart, which is affecting me and affecting the small boy, who is acting up and ruining everyone's sleep patterns and causing everyone to fall apart. And now I've gone back to work. And now it's approaching midnight on a school-night and this was supposed to be a quick round-up, but I got sidetracked by my Powerpoint...
I think I've created a properly messed-up tesseract of life-work-fantasy-addiction-computing-habits-blogging-family. Thank the Lord I have a therapist...
ȹ
Monday, 7 September 2015
My relationship with captions (Old Blog)
After a couple of rather important, but relatively submission-free posts over the last week or so, a few words on the subject of captions, which seem to be very popular in certain dark corners of the internet. Such as this one.
There's a whole side of captions that I don't explore in this post, the theoretical bit, but that will probably be better dealt with if I ever come to post about porn in general. In the meantime, here's a long-winded ramble about my relationship with captioned images on the internet. Let's go!
There's a whole side of captions that I don't explore in this post, the theoretical bit, but that will probably be better dealt with if I ever come to post about porn in general. In the meantime, here's a long-winded ramble about my relationship with captioned images on the internet. Let's go!
Wednesday, 26 August 2015
I think it might be working (Old Blog)
 |
| I feel so cheap |
It still takes up my time, and I count it as one of my projects that distracts me from my work and my family life, but I think I may be having some success at keeping a lid on things.
I've had two flare-ups over the past week, here and here, and while the second one did involve a textbook Flickr rabbit-hole, my temporary obsession pretty much ended with my funky little ligature that I've started to use to sign off. I like ligatures.
Having a place to vent, and I do think that vent is the right word for what I'm doing, is proving useful. Also, I've found a couple of blogs by people who are in much the same position, that of trying to find a useful and practical way of incorporating their submission, both sexual and non-sexual, into their daily lives. I'll be linking to a few useful posts as soon as the person gets back to me. It's always polite to ask, and as you will hopefully see, asking nicely is one of the ways that submission can be expressed. Stay tuned.
But yes, this morning I've woken up well-rested, well-vented and reasonably able to get on and do some actual work, which is what I'm supposed to actually do. I'll post more about the thinking behind it at a later stage, when I have more time. Check it out, I just put off a project until I have more time. That hardly ever happens.
Time to celebrate with a cup of tea...
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| Damn... |
Tuesday, 25 August 2015
The Changing of the Seasons (Old Blog)
 |
| This is what my life will become in about a month's time |
Yes, September is almost here, which means two things. It's going to be Sissy Season, and shortly after that we'll have a glorious few months of boots.
Before I get onto the subject of sissies, and expound upon one of the most time-consuming and in-depth fantasy projects in my arsenal, let's take a moment to appreciate the wonders of knee-high boots in the autumn. Colleagues wear them at work, and so do many of the young people with whom I'm privileged to work. It's a wonder I get anything done at all between Summer and Spring.
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| The word 'trueffelschwein' springs to mind... Also, apparently I can hack around with the HTML and get a set of three pictures with a single caption My blog-fu is best |
Wednesday, 19 August 2015
Inevitable cross-addiction (Old Blog)
Argh. This blog has only been up for two days and it's already starting to eat into my free time and my sleep. Last night I was up past midnight tweaking the page layout and writing the page about my Cinderella thing, and here I am at work on the sly the following morning processing the shame. Still, this is a good example of how my addiction works, so let's take a look.
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