Me and my Shadow

My therapist is really good.  I think I've found my problem.  It's brought back a memory of an excellent short story that I read years and years ago by Jeff Noon.  It resonated with me back then, which seems to suggest that the problem that has now been identified has been my problem for a good many years:  I have a shadow.

Full disclosure:  I've had a bad week, and wrote most of this post while at work, for reasons which will become clear.

My head is not right (Old Blog)

All this will become clear

I haven't actually died, but I continue to get weirder and weirder.  My inner life is a very interesting place to be right now.

Quick roundup of news before we get down to business:

Work is little better, but progress is being made, slowly but surely, and it looks like the whole place is going down the toilet anyway, so my concerns of having a bright career future at such a fine organisation are dwindling.  My new manager is a cowbag.  My old manager is properly wonderful.  My emails are evil.

A friend who goes by the name of Joanna came to visit.  Good chats, potable beers and general positivity all round.

Christmas looms.  I mostly have all the presents.  It should be a good one.

Now, down to business.  This is a long one, and it ends up in a very troubling place.  It was quite hard to write all this, but it's even harder trying to live with it.  Bear with me if you can, but this post carries a severe Weirdness Warning.  Credit should go to my therapist, who is really fucking good, but the results of his inquiries are pretty much as follows:

My head is not right...

That's the thing (Old Blog)

Some more information about what's currently going on with me:

I've been signed off work sick for two weeks, with the official diagnosis of 'anxiety with depression'.  I was surprised at how easy it was, but then, that's the thing.

Having the time off is brilliant, as I'm not having to put up any fronts or seem like I'm coping with anything.  That's something I've been doing for years, and getting dressed and going to work is one way that I can 'pass' as a functioning adult.  Now that I don't have to do that, I can simply deal with how I actually feel on a daily basis, which is:  anxious, but then, that's the thing.

I've also had time and space to talk to Furiosa about what's going on with me.  She's also been signed off work for a couple of weeks, due to work stress and the stress of the Chap starting school.  This has been brewing for 6 years now (he'll be 5 in January, that's a lot of brewing).  Her symptoms were panic, anxiety, hyperventilation and The Fear that came out of nowhere to paralyse her and screw up her morning.  It was when she was telling me about it that I realised that what she was describing was reasonably normal for me, and that's the thing.

The thing is, my normal is messed up.  My baseline level of background anxiety is mild to moderate.  Just existing on this planet is enough to make me nervous, and that's before you start adding in things like money, work, hoovering, talking to other people and having sex.  Furiosa's symptoms are fairly regular occurences for me when I'm at work, and have been for several years.  I've been existing at work-stress levels that can get you signed off sick for several years, and they've become normal for me.  I've normalised anxiety with depression.

Looking back to try and find out how I got this way, when it started and how it developed, I couldn't.  I can't think of a single time in my childhood, in my teens, or as an adult when I've actually felt relaxed.  Not at home, not at school, not on any holidays.  I've always been anxious about something, and I've never found anything that can make that go away.

"But Darling, your sexual fantasies make it all go away, don't we?"

But they don't, not really.  They keep it at bay for a time, they offer me a space where my anxieties simply aren't felt any more, they throw a towel over the poison parrot's cage.  But, like an alcoholic sobering up, which is a massively barbed analogy for me to draw, my anxieties are all still there in the morning, with an added layer of guilt on top, ready to be evaded all over again.

So, plan:  time off work, good, therapy, good, pills to quell my baseline anxiety, good, staying my version of sober, good, finding another outlet for my submissiveness, very very necessary.

This blog?  Not sure yet.

ȹ

Rooty-tooty-toot! (Old Blog)

Nope, genuinely no idea

It is time to blow my own trumpet.

Today saw the culmination of several years of hard work and preparation.  My son started primary school and he was completely and totally fine.

This may not seem like such a big thing, but there's a backstory, some issues to explore and ultimately it becomes an example of the kind of marriage I'm hoping to achieve with Furiosa.

Bits of this have only really crystallised over the past couple of weeks, but I'll be taking you all the way back to my son's birth to get a good run-up on this morning's resounding success.

Are you sitting comfortably..?

Work avoidance begins in earnest (Old Blog)

Yes, I have chosen the shittest picture I can find.
It's a supposed to be a desktop background, but who the hell
runs on 1024x768 any more?  Plus, I found it on Angelfire.
Remember Angelfire?

A quick post to demonstrate how easy it is to fall prey to my addiction.  UPDATE:  I've discovered something about what my addictive behaviours are doing.  Read on for more information.

I had a lovely weekend.  It started with babysitting for my neice and nephew, two adorable 5-month-old twins.  I love babies, and I love these babies.

Then followed 3 days of DIY around the house, pulling up carpets, buying rugs and painting dining room furniture.  Hard work, but good times with my family.

No fantasy stuff for a good 4 days.  Built up some momentum with real life, in the hope that some of it would carry over into work this morning.

I've managed about an hour's work before starting to drift off into work-avoidance.  I realise that this blog counts as work-avoidance, but I feel as if I'm on the edge of a precipice.  Perhaps if I blog about it, that would be sort of like peering over the edge, then I'll be able to get on with my day.  Let's find out!

Inferiority complex (Old Blog)

I think it's fairly easy to spot my inferiority complex.  It's all over this blog and all over my psychology.  It's worth bringing up at this point because I've been dancing round a crucial factor in my fantasy creations, and exploring this factor could be a very useful tool in keeping my fantasies from interfering with my reality.

My inferiority complex probably comes from a range of different places, and serves mostly to frustrate me and those around me.  It's a big thing in my life, and it's part and parcel of my addictive behaviours and the cycles and spirals that I get myself into.  Let's have a look, shall we?

My Women Thing (Old Blog)

I think it's fairly safe to say that I have a thing for women.

This particular post has been a long time in the making.  About a week, on and off, with large chunks of earlier drafts saved for later.  Helen Mirren and Victoria Coren will have to wait.  Fourth and final draft as follows.

My Cinderella Thing

I have a thing for Cinderella, and I have done for as long as I can remember.  By that I mean early childhood, long before puberty hit.  My thing for Cinderella arrived before I even knew what sexuality and sexual arousal were, before I knew what that strange feeling down there in my body meant.  Cinderella is why I believe that I was born this way.  Cinderella was my first encounter with the idea of dominance and submission, and I couldn't get enough of it.

That Picture on the Left

I can't think of a better thing to write about as I set up this blog for the first time than the picture I've included in the page layout.  It captures very well my submissive sexuality, so an examination of the various different ways it appeals to me is therefore in order.