Me and my Shadow

My therapist is really good.  I think I've found my problem.  It's brought back a memory of an excellent short story that I read years and years ago by Jeff Noon.  It resonated with me back then, which seems to suggest that the problem that has now been identified has been my problem for a good many years:  I have a shadow.

Full disclosure:  I've had a bad week, and wrote most of this post while at work, for reasons which will become clear.

This is now the blog

I have redesigned the blog, as you can no doubt see.  This is now the blog.

I've kept the old blog where it is, but marked it very clearly as the Old Blog.  If you scroll through a list of posts, it'll tell you that a post comes from the Old Blog, and if you're viewing a single post it'll give you a little box at the top, just like the Eye Candy posts do.  I can make my blog do all that, because code.

And now my first post is looking very prescient, as I've removed the wonderful picture from the sidebar.  But yes, this is now the blog.

Actual crisis (Old Blog)

A google search for 'femdom motorbike', apparently
Because the solution to all mid-life crises is a 22-year-old
girlfriend and motorbike... 

Yep, I reckon this is it.  This is the big one.  The mid-life crisis.

It's been a rough four weeks, and I'm feeling at a very low ebb, and last night I had a chat with Furiosa.

And it was good.

That's the thing (Old Blog)

Some more information about what's currently going on with me:

I've been signed off work sick for two weeks, with the official diagnosis of 'anxiety with depression'.  I was surprised at how easy it was, but then, that's the thing.

Having the time off is brilliant, as I'm not having to put up any fronts or seem like I'm coping with anything.  That's something I've been doing for years, and getting dressed and going to work is one way that I can 'pass' as a functioning adult.  Now that I don't have to do that, I can simply deal with how I actually feel on a daily basis, which is:  anxious, but then, that's the thing.

I've also had time and space to talk to Furiosa about what's going on with me.  She's also been signed off work for a couple of weeks, due to work stress and the stress of the Chap starting school.  This has been brewing for 6 years now (he'll be 5 in January, that's a lot of brewing).  Her symptoms were panic, anxiety, hyperventilation and The Fear that came out of nowhere to paralyse her and screw up her morning.  It was when she was telling me about it that I realised that what she was describing was reasonably normal for me, and that's the thing.

The thing is, my normal is messed up.  My baseline level of background anxiety is mild to moderate.  Just existing on this planet is enough to make me nervous, and that's before you start adding in things like money, work, hoovering, talking to other people and having sex.  Furiosa's symptoms are fairly regular occurences for me when I'm at work, and have been for several years.  I've been existing at work-stress levels that can get you signed off sick for several years, and they've become normal for me.  I've normalised anxiety with depression.

Looking back to try and find out how I got this way, when it started and how it developed, I couldn't.  I can't think of a single time in my childhood, in my teens, or as an adult when I've actually felt relaxed.  Not at home, not at school, not on any holidays.  I've always been anxious about something, and I've never found anything that can make that go away.

"But Darling, your sexual fantasies make it all go away, don't we?"

But they don't, not really.  They keep it at bay for a time, they offer me a space where my anxieties simply aren't felt any more, they throw a towel over the poison parrot's cage.  But, like an alcoholic sobering up, which is a massively barbed analogy for me to draw, my anxieties are all still there in the morning, with an added layer of guilt on top, ready to be evaded all over again.

So, plan:  time off work, good, therapy, good, pills to quell my baseline anxiety, good, staying my version of sober, good, finding another outlet for my submissiveness, very very necessary.

This blog?  Not sure yet.

ȹ

Hiatus (Old Blog)

So anyways, I've been signed off work for the next couple of weeks.  Very very complicated issues involving work life, home life and family life, all three of which have had the bottom fall out in the past month or so.

It's all here on the blog, it's what the blog was supposed to be dealing with.  The blog wasn't dealing with it.

This will need some time away to sort out.  Patience is a card game.  It's at this point that the blog could take a dog-leg into something much more interesting, or it could stop altogether.  It's hard to say at the minute, but this minute is where I need to be right now.

Who knows.

ȹ

Normal service (Old Blog)

It looks like I've disappeared.  Work is back in full swing, and there are issues going on.  The labels for this post should allow you to triangulate (septangulate?) what's going on. I'll post more about it when I have the time, but for the moment I need to focus my attentions away from self-absorption and cross-addiction and onto things that actually matter.

Normal service might resume.

ȹ

And things are going... well... (Old Blog)

OMG, that's, like, so relatable...
Sigh...

Don't look now, but I've had a really good week at work.

Monday was wading through emails and getting little done.  Tuesday was mostly panic and hyperventilation (that's a coping strategy, right?).  Wednesday I had a massive headache and today was finally productive.  I hit my stride at 3pm this afternoon and contacted 25 prospective students in about 2 hours about the courses they might want to do.

And I think I've sussed the trick.  More details after the break.

Domestic Goddess (Old Blog)

Yep, that's actually me.  I need an apron.

It's been an interesting week.

I've been at home mostly, having taken the week off work in order to make sure that my son was okay at his new school.  See my post here for full details.  He was completely fine.  Not a single shit was given that day.

Furiosa less so, but that's a story for another time.

As for me, I had 3 hours alone in the house every morning and a hankering for taking responsibility for as much household management as I could...  manage...  That's some pretty rubbish writing right there.

Interested in what I got up to for three hours each morning?  Then read on!

Rooty-tooty-toot! (Old Blog)

Nope, genuinely no idea

It is time to blow my own trumpet.

Today saw the culmination of several years of hard work and preparation.  My son started primary school and he was completely and totally fine.

This may not seem like such a big thing, but there's a backstory, some issues to explore and ultimately it becomes an example of the kind of marriage I'm hoping to achieve with Furiosa.

Bits of this have only really crystallised over the past couple of weeks, but I'll be taking you all the way back to my son's birth to get a good run-up on this morning's resounding success.

Are you sitting comfortably..?

Work avoidance begins in earnest (Old Blog)

Yes, I have chosen the shittest picture I can find.
It's a supposed to be a desktop background, but who the hell
runs on 1024x768 any more?  Plus, I found it on Angelfire.
Remember Angelfire?

A quick post to demonstrate how easy it is to fall prey to my addiction.  UPDATE:  I've discovered something about what my addictive behaviours are doing.  Read on for more information.

I had a lovely weekend.  It started with babysitting for my neice and nephew, two adorable 5-month-old twins.  I love babies, and I love these babies.

Then followed 3 days of DIY around the house, pulling up carpets, buying rugs and painting dining room furniture.  Hard work, but good times with my family.

No fantasy stuff for a good 4 days.  Built up some momentum with real life, in the hope that some of it would carry over into work this morning.

I've managed about an hour's work before starting to drift off into work-avoidance.  I realise that this blog counts as work-avoidance, but I feel as if I'm on the edge of a precipice.  Perhaps if I blog about it, that would be sort of like peering over the edge, then I'll be able to get on with my day.  Let's find out!